Well I did it, again. Turning my friends away; making them despise me without much thought. Now you're not talking to me. What a sad turn of events.


It seems there's nothing much I can do about this. Nothing. I guess I'm pretty much doomed to live out my life this way. I really don't know who's next now. M perhaps. Or Aiman. Or even Miskoon. If I lose any of them, then that's it. Really. Fuck it. Fuck my life.


You guys understand me so much. I don't want to lose anymore of you. I'm beyond tired. Tired of this crap.


I'm lost.






I remember how sad you were, when I told you I was moving. How sad I was too. How frustrated I was that I was losing another chance, another opportunity to get to know someone like you. How I wanted to get a bicycle just so I could cycle down that long road that separates me from you, when before, all that did was just a stone's throw.






I'll have you know; I miss you. I miss walking down that long path with you towards the MRT. I miss watching you walk ahead of me while I struggled to catch up. I miss your smile, your funny way of speaking sometimes, your gestures. I miss talking to you on MSN; guessing the food in your fridge. I miss you and your trademarked checkered clothes, your court shoes/flats, your backpack. I miss how you wouldn't want to speak while watching a movie; you taught me to enjoy the movie more.





I remember how I struggled to find something to talk about when we went out. How afraid I was at those silent pauses. But my fear had been unfounded. It was never awkward. Like how someone I once knew would say; the silence was what she enjoyed the most. I miss those times, no matter how brief.






I had no idea why you suddenly seemed to change. You developed this cold shoulder which I could never figure out. Was it me? Something I did? There are times I sigh to myself these questions, but they bear no answers. I don't know what happened. How unhappy you seemed to be that day when we partialed; when it seemed I was following behind you the whole time, barely talking, and before I knew it you were past the MRT fare-gates and gone just like that. I could only stand there.





Or the day I thought of walking back with you; how you came with the rest, how frustrated you seemed about something. How it ended up to be another futile exercise; you simply walked ahead of me and I felt too disenchanted to catch up. I guess you needed some time alone. And lo and behold, you were gone.




I don't know what had been bugging you on those days. Him still? Well I'd understand, it's never easy to simply forget something that's been imprinted on your heart. Your results? Friends? School? Me? I really don't know. But surely you could've talked to me about it. Anything at all. Tell me. I'll always be there to listen.



I don't know what else to say. I guess it must've been my fault after all. Maybe it was me; my brashness, the way I carry myself.. God knows. If that's true, then I'm sorry. If you're with someone now, he's a lucky guy. Yeah he is. All my best wishes and God bless.






And I just want you to know something,














I have that bicycle.